As we have learned already, there are many possible causes of parental alienation. Richard Gardner (1985) first introduced Parental Alienation Syndrome, defining it as a “disturbance within the conscience or sub-conscience”. Gardner, who was a child psychiatrist and worked specifically with children who presented with alienation behaviours and separation cases, noted that alienating parents were re-programming or brainwashing their children, often through jealousy of the relationship the child had with the their parent.
However, the reprogramming or brainwashing will be more or less effective depending on the child. Some children’s psychological functioning is better equipped to cope than others. Some children might have better coping mechanisms, be more resilient, or better able to judge what is right and wrong. Others are more vulnerable and susceptible to the reprogramming, for example: if they are an anxious child; has low cognitive functioning; low self-esteem or poor reality testing. Although Gardiners work was later discredited, the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) has outlined several areas which still cover this in looking at “child psychological abuse”, “harming or abandoning things the child cares about” (DSM5, 2013)
So, why do parents engage in this type of abuse? How and why does the alienation occur?
Child’s perceived response: The child seems to be siding with the ‘wrong’ parent, creating jealousy of the alienating parent as well as anxiety and fear – the ‘what if my child prefers them and wants to live with them and not me?’ This can cause the parent to try and create a divide between the child and targeted parent in their hope of ensuring the child wants to stay with them.
Conflict between parents: During a high conflict separation or divorce, the alienating parent engages in malicious comments about the targeted parent, possible imagined inadequacies of the parent, how they have failed the child and do not love them, and general damaging behaviours towards the targeted parent.
Conflict between parent and someone else: For example, the grandparents, cousins etc. For instance, an alienating parent may create disdain towards a grandparent, or more specifically: the in-laws or a new partner. This can often happen when a parent feels jealous towards a relationship that their partner or children have with that grandparent and feel the need to create a divide. This is often a selfish act by those who may be self-loathing, insecure or do not feel they are ‘good enough’ and may need to feel more in control within their immediate family circle to feel secure. This gives them the feelings of power, control and false security as they villainise the person they want their child (or partner) to break free from.
Children’s escape tactics: During a high conflict separation or divorce, both parents may be engaging in alienating behaviours. No child wants or needs to be the victim of this. They do not want to hear either parent being verbally abusive of the other. They do not want to be stuck in the middle or used as a pawn. This is how parents sub-consciously alienate themselves from the child as the child withdraws from both of them in an attempt at self-preservation.
Parents’ personality/psychological functioning: What type of personality do you have? Are you a person that needs to feel in control of everything and finds it difficult to cope when things are beyond your control? Are you one of life’s worriers? Do you suffer with anxiety or depression? Are you constantly defensive, being that person who presumes others are attacking you, when they might not be? Are you the glass half empty or half full person? Do you understand yourself and your behaviour? Are you capable of self-reflection? All of these personality traits can impact on your child. If you are an anxious person for example, your anxiety will transmit to your child. The same with negativity, defensiveness and the need for control; however, positivity, the ability to let go, to self-reflect, to think about events and circumstances and to look at the bright side will also transmit to your child and can have positive effects on the child, the situation and yours and your children’s psychological and emotional well-being.