Feelings of disarray

Written by Jeanette Smith 8th May 2020

Is anyone else feeling this way right now?

It feels like a constant battle between trying to keep things normal and not wanting to miss the opportunity to be lazy!

I spend days arguing with myself. Telling myself to go to bed earlier and get up earlier, to exercise and eat healthy, the same as I was before the virus struck the world.

The other side of me is telling me to enjoy this while it lasts. The late nights, going to bed at 2am, staying in bed til 11am, laying next to my loved one and relishing in the fact that we’re both still in bed together at this hour, naked and in love.

The problem with this? It’s messing with my head. You see, I’m more a morning person, and I feel if I’m not up early, getting my routine in and getting work done, that I’ve wasted a day.

I’m feeling fat. I’m feeling sluggish. I’m feeling lazy. And mostly I’m feeling annoyed with myself.

I know in my heart, if I stopped letting my little devil win, I’d have finished writing that course by now, instead of it taking me 2 weeks! I’d probably be near to finishing writing my book, that I started over a month ago and still only on the second chapter. I would have definitely organised some online courses, which I can’t start until I’ve finished other things. Paid things!

Yet, I’m unmotivated. I’ll spend a few days being motivated, getting up, exercising, eating well. And I’ll feel great for doing it. Then, bang! Right back to laziness.

It’s just too easy right now. Especially when you know you don’t need to be up. My kids are grown and stay in bed half the day, so why not, right?

Because it’s messing with my head! Because I need routine. I need order in my life.

My life is untidy and disorganised and I don’t see it improving until we go back to work and school. By then, I’ll be looking back at all this time I had at home, all the opportunities we had to get shit done, but didn’t because we were too busy wasting the days! And I’ll be cross and disappointed in myself that I wasn’t harder on myself to keep my routine, to restore order in my life.

Perhaps I would be better just to accept it? That this “normal” for me is now a state of disarray and just get on with it the way it is? Am I overthinking things? Probably.

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